Jimmy's Joke of the Day!

Mon. Oct. 29:
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a large sums  of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called ...Social Security.

Fri Oct. 26: 
When her husband dies the wife decided to make his obituary short and sweet. It read...Bernie is dead, Corvette for sale ! 

Fri. Oct. 19:
Boston Police recently arrested a man who was selling pills that would give you eternal youth. Police discovered that it was the fourth time this man was arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921. 

Thu. Oct. 18:
Thursday Oct 18th A cop pulls over a car load of nuns and says to the driver, "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?" The Sister  says Well I saw a lot of signs that said 24. Cop says "Oh sister, that`s not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!  Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful. Then  the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. So the Cop says , what's wrong with your friends back there? They look very nervous !! Sister: "Oh, we just got off of  RT  128!"

 Wed. Oct. 17: 
I used up all my sick days, so Monday, I’m calling in DEAD! 

Tue. Oct. 16:
I was  reading a magazine about  a beautiful actress marrying an out of control disgusting looking  loser and I said to my wife  "I'll never understand Why the biggest jerks get the most attractive women.” My wife said, “why thank you dear !!” 

Mon. Oct. 15:
My wife and I  thought that music would enhance our love lives, but it didn’t work out.  We were thrown out of Symphony hall and asked never to return.   

Thu. Oct. 11:
A new man is brought into prison cell D.  He meets a very old prisoner.

who says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out..  but I vacationed in Florida, had
a boat, fine cars, beautiful women.  I lived the life of Riley!"

The new inmate asked, "well, What happened?"
"Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

Wed. Oct. 10:
It's only appropriate that Hillary Clinton is holding a fundraiser at Symphony Hall tonight...

Bill needs all the practice he can get playing second fiddle!

Tue. Oct. 9:
Here are some more kid’s books that are having trouble being published:
"Elmo Goes to Prison"
"Start your Real Estate Empire With Change From Mommy’s Purse"
"Curious George Meets The Taxidermist"

Thu. Oct. 4:
West Virginia has a new motto on their license plates...
"One Big Family. Literally."

Wed. Oct. 3:
One for the kids:
Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the SHELL station!

Mon. Oct. 1:
My cousin is already in trouble with his new bride...
At the wedding, for their first dance as husband and wife, he told the band to play "Please Release Me!"

Fri. Sept 28:
You’ve heard of A.A. and G.A.
Well, now they've got "B.A" (Bachelors  Anonymous)
Whenever you start thinking about getting married, they send over a woman in a housecoat, no make-up and hair curlers to yell at you!

Thu. Sept. 27:
I’m thinking of taking the whole family to Hawaii for a long vacation...they have everything.  Sand for the kids, sun for me and the wife, and sharks for my mother-in-law!
 
Tue. Sept. 25:
Hey what’s going on with the divorce rate in this country?!
Why even bother getting married? I say find a woman you can't stand, buy her a house and be done with it all!

Mon. Sept. 24:
3 men die and are staning at the gates of Heaven.  St. Peter says to the first man, "before I can let you in, you must answer 1 question.  What was your job on earth?" 
"I was A teacher, " the man replied. 
"Welcome into Heaven My Son!" exclaimed St. Peter.

He then asked the second man the same question.  "I was a cab driver," the man said.  St. Peter then welcomed the 2nd man to Heaven, and then turned to the 3rd man.  "What was your job on earth, my son?"  The man replied, "I ran a large HMO."

"Well then," St. Peter replied.  "You may come into Heaven, but you can only stay for 3 days."

Thu. Sept. 20:
My dog is so smart!  I trained him to bring in The Herald everyday off the porch….(from the house next door!)

Wed. Sept. 19:
Van Halen is getting ready to go on tour so they did a practice concert in LA last night.  Eddie Van Halen had a hard time with the guitar solo...during the song "Hot For Teacher."  He pulled an "Eric Gagne"…he blew the lead!

Tue. Sept. 18:
I read an article in the Herald yesterday about couples married for over 40 years.  One guy likened his love life to  his social security check.  He said he gets a little each month but it’s barely enough to live on!

Fri. Sept. 14:
When I went to Catholic school, I prayed for a new bike. But then the nuns told me that prayer doesn’t work that way...you should only pray for forgiveness.
So I stole a bike, then prayed for forgiveness!

Wed. Sept. 12:
Did you hear what happened to Britney Spears on the way home from the MTV video awards show?  She lost her keys and was in the parking lot trying to unlock the door of her Mercedes with a coat hanger when it started to rain...
It took her 20 minutes but she finally unlocked the door just in time to put the top up.

Fri. Sept. 7:
I took the kids to Franklin Park Zoo to see the new baby kangaroo, but we waited an hour and he wouldn’t come out of his mother’s pouch.  The zookeeper said, "well, I guess he’s a real couch potato!”

Wed. Sept. 5:
I went to Target over here in Watertown, yesterday and I bought some products to child-proof my house.  But they didn’t work...the kids were still able to get back into the house!

Tue. Sept. 4:
I was reading the Globe yesterday and it said that only 10 percent of married men cheat in Massachusetts. 

20 percent go to New Hampshire...15% go to Maine and the rest go to Florida! 

Fri. Aug 24:
I’m flipping through the Cambridge Chronicle when and I see an article that says…."when baking cookies, make sure to include your children..."
Something about that just seems wrong!

Wed. Aug 22:
I joined one of those HMO’s down at the Meadow Glen Mall in Medford but I don’t think it's very good one...

They use recycled bandages, the doctor listened to my heart through a paper towel tube and the tongue depressor tasted like a Fudgesicle!

Thur. Aug 16:
A politician from the south shore  wrote in to a local newspaper's editorial page and said, "If you don’t stop insinuating that I'm a crook, I’ll never steal your paper again!"  

Wed. Aug 15:
Last night I almost had to call 9-1-1.  It was around 10 O’clock and I heard hysterical  screaming and crying and Someone yelling "No, no, please...no!"   

Turns out Eric Gagne had just taken the mound at Fenway Park!

Mon. Aug 13:
Last Night after The Brockton Rox game, I went into a supermarket near Route 24.  You're not gonna believe this, but they now offer specially formulated breakfast cereal for cats! 
It's called Mice-Krispies!

Wed. Aug 8:
I went home last night and found that the entire house had been cleaned...my supper was on the table, and my bath was drawn!
Then I realized something...I was in the wrong house!!!  

Tue. Aug 7:
I went to a fancy restaurant the other night and when the lobster I ordered arrived, I noticed that it only had one claw.   When I asked the waiter about it, he said, "he was probably in a fight.” 
I said,'well bring me the winner!"


Mon. Aug 6:
Have you ever noticedhow confusing some SIGNS can be?
I was in the Laundromat  yesterday and the sign on the washing machine said: PLEASE REMOVE CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT!
 

Wed. Aug 3:
Q: What goes "clippety-clop, clippety-clop, hiccup...clippety-clop,      clippety-clop...hiccup?"
A: An Amish man driving under the influence!

Tues. Aug 2:
A little boy was walking along the beach with his Dad when he noticed a dead seagull lying there.
He asks his Dad, "what happened to the seagull?"
“He died and went up to Heaven” answered his father.
"Then what?" asked the boy, "God threw him Back Down?"

Mon. Aug 1:
A waiter pressed his thumb into the center of the steak a customer ordered.
"What's wrong with you?" yelled the customer, " I Don't want  your hand on my steak!"
The waiter says, "Well don’t blame me if it falls on the floor again!"

Tues. July 31:
Joe showed his pal the beautiful diamond ring he bought for his wife’s birthday.
Suprised, his pal said, "I thought your wife wanted a Lexus for her birthday."
"She did," said Joe "but where am I gonna get a fake Lexus?"

Mon. July 30: 
Q: Why did it take four Boy Scouts to help the little old lady cross the street? 
A: Because she didn’t WANT to cross the street!

Fri. July 27:
When I was a kid, my Mom told my Father she was going to take me to the zoo.  Dad said "hey if the zoo wants him...let 'em come and get him themselves!"

Thur. July 26:
Little Johnny's class was on a field trip to the Fire Station. The firefighter held up a smoke detector and asked if anyone knew what it was, Little Johnny raised his hand and exclaimed, "that’s how we know when supper is ready!"

Wed. July 25:
Sometimes I wake up grumpy...
Other times, I let her sleep!

Tues. July 24:
A woman was having her portrait painted and told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex watch."
"But you are not wearing any of those things," the artist said.       
"I know," remarked the woman.  "If I die before my husband, I'm sure he will remarry right away and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

Mon. July 23:
A little boy's teacher caught him swearing.
"Where did you hear that kind of language?!" she demanded. 
"My daddy says that..." answered the little boy.
"Well, that doesn't matter," the teacher said.  "You don't know what it means, and you shouldn't say it."
"Oh, I know what its means," the boy said. "It means the car won't start."

Fri. July 20:
Q: What do you call birds that crave attention and read the bible?
A: "Parrots Hilton!"

Thur. July 19:
My wife and I are having religious differences...
She thinks she’s God, and I don’t!

Wed. July 18:
I saw and ad for a job in the Help Wanted section. 
It read,  "PSYCHIC WANTED: You know where to apply."

Tues. July 17:
All week long I sit at my desk...and pretend to work.  But at the end of every week they get even...they pretend to pay me!!!

Mon. July 16:
Three signs that your Amish teenager is in trouble:

1.) In his sock drawer is hidden a secret stash of colorful socks.
2.) You find pictures of women without bonnets...
3.) He's started wearing his big black hat backwards!

Fri. Jul 13:
I went to the BIG boss to ask for a raise yesterday...I told him there were three other companies that had been contacting me.
"Oh really? he asked. "Which ones?"
I said, "the gas company, the electric company, the phone company..." 

Weds. July 11: 
Commenting to his friend a man says, "I went golfing the other day."   "Yeah?"  said his friend, "how did you do?"
"I broke 70!"
"No kidding?" his shocked pal remarked.
"Yep," he sighed. "Man, that's a lot of clubs."

Mon. July 9:
Q: What did Cinderella say when she dropped off her roll of film at the drugstore? 
A: Someday my 'prints' will come!

Tues. June 26:
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health."  So one day, while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.  
It was my grandfather!!!

Mon. June 25;
Q:  Did you hear about the guy who got thrown out of the lip-reading class? 
A:  He was using a yellow highlighter!

Fri. June 22:
A man getting ready to go on an ocean cruise, tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick.
''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock," recommended the doctor.
''That'll keep me from getting sick, doc?''  the man asked.
''No," said the doctor, "but it'll look real pretty in the water.''

Thur. June 21:
An old snake goes to see his doctor.  "Doctor," he says, "I need something for my eyes. I can't see well these days."  The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells the snake to return in 2 weeks.

So, 2 weeks pass and the snake returns to the doctor complaining that he's very depressed.   "What's the problem?" The doctor asks, "didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose for the past 2 years!"

Weds. June 20:
Two red-breasted robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun as
Mother cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?" 
To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How
about some Baskin' Robins?"

Tues. June 19:
Rudely, a husband shouts at his wife  "Eww, this coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Quickly, his wife shoots back, "No problem, I'll get you some that is!"

Thur. June 14:
Q:  How does an older man keep his youth?
A:  He gives her plenty of money, a new car, jewelry...

Wed. June 13:
Q: What’s the worst thing about your mother-in-law?
A: Her FACES!

Mon. June 11:
Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner?
A:  His wife gave him the cold shoulder!

Fri. June 8:
Q: What's the penalty for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law!

Thur. June 7:
Did You know that 73% of Americans can't do basic math?
That’s almost half!!!

Wed. June 6:
A woman goes to the doctor and asks, "should I have a baby after 35?" 
"NO," says the doctor.  "Thirty-five is plenty!!!"

Tues. June 5:
Mabel asked Florence how her husband was and Florence said that he had passed away.  
"Oh dear, what happened? asked Mabel.
"Well," Florence said, "he went out to the garden to pick a head of cabbage for dinner and he dropped dead!"
Shocked, Mabel said, "oh my, what did you do?!"
"Well, I opened a can of corn."

Mon. June 4:
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?   
A:  A-one, a-two...a-one-two-three-four!

Fri. June 1:
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room when one asked the other, "How do you really feel? I mean, you're 89  years old, how ya doin'?"
"Honestly, I feel like a new born baby...I've got no hair, no teeth, and I sometimes I wear a diaper!"

Thur. May 31:
Q:  Why did the new cowboy purchase a Dachshund? 
A:  He heard the other cowboys say, "get a long little doggy!"


Wed. May 30:
Q:  How do you kill an entire circus?
A:  Go for the juggler! 

Tues. May 29:
As he lay on his deathbed, a man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth.  I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage.  All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

Tues. May 22:
Last night, my wife and I were sitting on the couch talking about a living will.
I said, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, and getting fluids from a bottle.  If I ever come to that...just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer!

Mon. May 21:
Two guys are talking and one says, "I’m taking my wife to Australia for our twentieth wedding anniversary!"
"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"
"Oh, I'll probably go back to Australia and get her."

Wed. May 16:
Q: Did you hear about the Rabbi who joined the mafia?  
A:  He wants to change the name to La Kosher Nostra!

Tues. May 15:
Q: Did you hear about poor how Britney Spears' Mother's Day dinner was ruined?
A: She burnt the Spam!

Thur. May 10:
Q:  Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A:   Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you!

Weds. May 9:
A guy goes to his shrink because he is a severe kleptomaniac.  The doctor says "take these  pills and if they don’t work, could you pick me up an i-Pod?"

Mon. May 7:
Late one night , two cowardly  thieves broke into an Amish market thinking  that the Amish were non-violent and wouldn‘t put up a fight.  As they were  breaking into the cash register, the owner of the store turned on the lights and confronted them with a shotgun pointed directly at them! 
Calmly, the Amishman said, "boys, I would not intend to do thee any harm yet you appear to be standing right where I am about to shoot!"

Thur. May 3:
Q: How many presidential aides does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None. They like to keep him in the dark!

Weds. May 2:
A mother was playing with her small child "what does a cow say?" she asked the boy.
"Moo!" said the child.
"Right!" Mother said.  "What does the cat say?"
Right on cue, the child responded, "Meow."
The proud Mom, exclaimed : "Oh, you're so smart!  What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at his mother and delicately the word came from his lips..."BUD!"

Tues. May 1:
Q: What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
A: The pope only expects you to kiss his ring!

Thur. April 25:
A man tells his doctor he’s unable to do all the things around the house that he used to do.  After the exam, he says, “Now, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what’s wrong with me.” 
"Well," the doctor says, “In layman’s terms, you’re lazy!”
“Thank you doctor, now give me a medical term, that I can tell my wife.”


Fri. April 20:
An old guy goes for a check up and the doctor tells him, "well, your hearing  is deteriorated, your reflexes are gone, and your eyesite is shot!

The old guy says, "Thank God!  I thought you were gonna tell me I couldn’t drive anymore!"


Weds. April 18:
An old trucker goes into a truck stop and as he is enjoying a cup of coffee and a piece of pie,  two scraggily bikers come in.  One Biker spits in his coffee and the other one puts his cigarette out in the old truckers pie.  He says nothing and goes back to his rig and leaves.  One of the Bikers says to  the waitress … “what a wimp--not much of a man was he?!"  
She says “he's not much of a driver either…just drove his rig over two motorcycles!"

Thurs. Mar. 22nd:
Last night wife met me at the door wearing a sexy negligee!  The only problem?  She was just getting home! 

Weds. Mar. 21st:
Q: What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A: Outlaws are wanted!

Tues. Mar. 20th:
Q: Did you hear about the new beer made just for rappers?
A: It’s made with hip-hops!

Mon. Mar. 19th:
Q: Why are most New Yorkers depressed?
A: Because that "light at the end of the tunnel"…is New Jersey!

Mon. Mar.12th:
Kevin Federline saw Britney Spears sitting in a row boat in the middle of an open field...
"What the heck are you doing, trying to row a boat in a field of grass?!"  He demanded. "See, that's why people think you're crazy!  "Now, if I could swim I’d come out there and stop you..."

Tues. Mar. 6th:
Three doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer.  Doctor Black says, ''I prefer librarians.  All of their organs are alphabetized.''

''I prefer mathematicians," retorts Dr. Fitzpatrick. "All of their organs are numbered.''

Not to be left out, Dr. Mills interrupts, ''I prefer Politicians...their heads and  rear ends are interchangeable!''

Mon. Mar. 5th: A young couple arranged that whenever they made whoopie they'd put a little money away for the future.  Everytime, the husband would empty his pocket change in to a little China piggy bank that they kept on the night stand.  One day he accidentally knocked the bank off of the table and it smashed open leaving coins spilled all over the floor.  He noticed handfuls of bills too..."Hey!" he said.  "What’s up with this?"  
"Well," said his wife, "not everyone is as cheap as you!" 

Thurs. Mar. 1st: One afternoon, 3 elderly gents were chatting.  “Windy isn’t it?? commented one of the men. 
"No," said another, "…it’s THURSday!? 
"Me too," replied the third, "…let’s get a beer.?

Tues. Feb. 27th: A woman who's cheating on her husband with his best friend, is with her lover on a romantic rendezvous when the phone rings.

She answers the phone..."Umm hmm, okay.  That sounds great...terriffic, ohh that’s nice." she responds to the person on the other end of the line.   "Alright, bye-bye." she finishes.

"Who was that? asks her lover.

"That was my husband," she says.  "He was calling to tell me about how much fun he’s having on his fishing trip...with YOU!!!"

Weds. Feb. 21st: Q: Why Did the Siamese twins move to England? 
 A: So the other one could drive for a change.

Tues. Feb. 13th:An old guy becomes a little disoriented and walks into a bar. He approaches a young gal on the bar-stool and says, “excuse me…do I come here often??

Fri. Feb. 9th:Envious of her neighbors' relationship, a woman remarks to her husband, "look at the Smith's across the street.  He hugs her and kisses her passionately everyday, before he goes to work.  How come you don’t do that?   

"Okay, I will" her husband says "But can I wait 'til her husband leaves?"

Thurs. Feb. 8th:A wealthy man came home from a  BAD gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune, so for the time being, they would have to cut back on expenses. 
"If you can learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," his wife remarked. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

Weds. Feb. 7th:Q:  What do you call an Amish guy with his hands down a horse’s throat?
A:  A mechanic!

Tues. Feb. 6th:Q: Do you know where does virgin wool comes from?
A: Ugly sheep!

Weds. Jan. 31st:Last Valentine's Day, I gave my wife a note that read, "Redeem this coupon for a romantic night on the town:"   
But when she saw what it said, she jumped up and down, kissed me on the forehead, then ran out the door, and  said, "I’ll see ya later!"

Mon. Jan. 29th:Things you will never hear a woman say:

1) "Can we not talk tonight?  I'd rather just watch TV."

2) "Can our relationship get a little more physical?  I'm tired of being 'just friends'."

3) "Oh, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there."

And you’ll never-ever hear a woman say  …

"Hey, pull my finger!"

Fri. Jan. 26th:A car broke down along the expressway one day, so the driver pulled over, opened the trunk and out jumped two men dressed in bright orange trench coats. 

"Who are THOSE guys?" asked the passenger.
"Oh, don't worry about them, replied the driver.  "They’re just my emergency flashers!"

Weds. Jan. 24th:A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," when the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."

The wife turns him down, so the husband asks again.
"No!" she says again.

"Is that your final answer?" he asks. 
"Yes!"

"In that case," the husband says, "can I phone a friend?"

Tues. Jan. 23rd:Q: What's the difference between men and pigs?
A: PIgs don't turn into MEN when they drink!

Mon. Jan. 22nd:My wife likes to talk after making love...last night she called me from her hotel room!

Thurs. Jan. 18th:Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.  Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore. "As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replied Jane.

To which Mary responded, "Yeah, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

Weds. Jan. 17th:Clear out of the blue, with no warning, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I invited a friend home for supper tonight."

"Are you crazy?!" screeched his wife. "The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty,  my hair is in rollers, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"
"I know all of that," her husband replied.
"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight, you idiot?" she demanded.
"Because," the man remarked.  "The poor fool is thinking about getting married!"

Mon. Jan. 15th:When San Diego Chargers coach, Marty Schottenheimer, faced the press following the loss to the Pats, one reporter asked him about the fans.  "I thought they were behind you," he said.

"They were!" Schottenheimer shot back.  "But somehow, I managed to lose them!"

Thurs. Jan. 11th:A husband who has just been examined by the doctor is waiting while the doctor discusses the diagnosis with his wife.  "Your husband has a very serious condition," the doctor explains.  "He can live a normal life if, and ONLY if you, his wife do the following things religiously: First, you must cook a hearty breakfast, lunch, and dinner for him everyday.  Second, it's very important to treat him kindly, always maintaining your patience and speaking softly, for he must not get iritated or upset.  He also shouldn't be expected to perform any strenuous work around the house.  IF you do these things, he will live a normal, healthy, life.

After hearing the doctor's recommendations, the wife returned to the examination room where her husband was waiting. 

"Well," the husband asked, "what did the doctor say?"
"He said that you're going to die."

Wed. Jan. 10th:A man went to the supermarket to buy a few groceries.  When he finished filling the basket he proceeded to the check out line.  The cashier spoke aloud his items as she rang them up.  "One can of beans...(beep) one bag of corn chips (beep)...a six pack of soda (beep)...some frozen burritos (beep-beep).  You must be single," she quipped.
"How could you tell?" he asked.
The cashier looked up at the man, "because you're one UGLY son of a gun!!!"

Mon. Jan. 8th:A man's wife said, "Honey, this afternoon the big clock fell off of the wall.  Had it fallen a moment sooner, my mother would've been hit on the head and badly injured!"
The husband muttered to himself, "I knew that stupid clock was slow!

Thurs. Jan. 4th:An inebriated man staggers onto a bus where a woman disgustedly remarks, ?sir, you are going straight to HELL!“ 
He looks at her and slurring his words as he speaks, replies, "Ohh m-man...I knew i-uz on duh wronn bus!"

Tues Jan. 2nd:1st Man: "I got a new car for my mother in law, yesterday."
2nd Man: "That's nice..."
1st Man: "Yep, It was the best trade I ever made!"

 THE 'ol Joke VAULT:

Q: Did you hear about the first baby born in the new high-tech delivery room?

A: It was cordless!
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I’ve got to get my son back into Sunday school.  When he was saying his prayers last night he said, "lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

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SONGS ON THE POPE'S NEW ALBUM:
Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy)
A Whiter Shade Of Robe
Exactly Like A Virgin
Sistine Candles
Gettin' Popey Wit It
Papa's Got A Brand New Bible
Girls Just Want To Be Nuns
The Wind Beneath My Vestments
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The priest went to visit an Old Fred, who was sick in the hospital.  Fred scribbled a note, gave it to the priest, then he died. The priest didn’t  look at the note, but put it in his pocket.

At the funeral, he said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

The priest opened the note and read it out loud, "Hey, Father you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

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A guy called his wife from Las Vegas. "Did you have any luck?" she asked.

“You bet!? he said. “I drove here in a $30,000 Cadillac and I'm coming home in a $250,000 Greyhound bus!?

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Q:  What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?

A:  A receding hare line!!!
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Q: What 3 words do you never want to hear during love-making? 

A: Honey!  I'm home!
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE getting  old  when   .
You and your teeth don't sleep together.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE getting  old  ...  when   Your back goes out but you stay home.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE getting  old  when ...  It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE getting  old  when  ....    You  stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you  can do while down there.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE getting  old  when    .. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

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Q: Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?
 
A: Because it's too cold "OUT-Tide!"

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An apple pie walks into a bar, sits and orders a beer.  The bartender says "hey!  Aren’t you an apple pie??

“Yeah,? the apple pie says, “You want a piece of me?!?  

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Things you should NOT say on your honeymoon:

-Can you please pass me the remote?

-Now I know why he dumped you!

-Honey, have you ever considered liposuction?

-Get me another beer…`      

-May be we should call Dr. Phil!

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Q: How does Osama Bin Laden find his way through the forest? 

A: He walks the "psycho-path!"

THE ARCHIVES...

***A cop sees a blonde woman knitting while driving on the highway. He yells over to her, "PULLOVER!" The woman yells back, "NO...SCARF!"

*** Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They're practicing to be men!

*** Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: Nobody knows... it has never happened!

*** Q: Did you hear about the guy who got fired from his job at the M&M factory?
A: He was throwing away all the "W's"!

***
There was a Patriots' fan with a really bad seat at Gillette Stadium. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "What a waste," he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Patriots' fan." The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

***
Two couples were on vacation in Florida. After a golf game Bob came back to the hotel room three hours late. His wife asked him what took so long? Bob said, "It was the worst golf game I ever had. We got up to the first tee and Charlie hit a hole in one and dropped dead! The guy's wife said, "That's terrible!" Bob said, "You're telling me? All day it was hit the ball...drag Charlie...hit the ball...drag Charlie..."

***A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They step up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.

The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.

"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

***
One afternoon in 1999 President Clinton was at a basball game when all of a sudden he picked up Hillary and flung her onto the diamond. Clinton's aide whispered in his ear, "sir, I think they wanted you to throw out the first PITCH!!!"

*** A bartender notices a customer crying in his bar, so he asks the man "what's wrong?"
The man says, "oh...my wife has been in the hospital for three weeks!"
The Bartender says, "Oh I see, that's too bad."
The customer looks up and says "you're telling me...she's coming home today!!!"

*** A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?"


The goldfish says, "Water."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

***On a company golf outing, Bob stood over his teed up golf ball for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but wouldn’t start his back swing. Finally his partner asked, "what the heck is taking so long?"
Bob replied, "the boss is up there watching me from the clubhouse and, I want to make a perfect shot."

***
Q: What's the difference between The National Hockey League and Matt Clement?
A: The NHL knows how to throw a strike!

*** An old man tells his son about his new hearing aid..."yup," he says, "it's the most expensive, state of the art hearing aid on the market, top of the line! The best hearing aid in the world!!!
"Wow!" The son says, "what kind is it?"
His Father replies, "quarter to five."

*** Two buddies, Bob and Earl, are big baseball fans. They agree that whoever dies first try to come back and tell the other if there is baseball in heaven.
Well, Bob passed away and a few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from the beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Yes it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news," says Bob. "The good news is that, there is baseball in heaven!!!
"That’s great," Earl says, "so...what’s the bad news?"
"The Bad news is...you're pitching tomorrow!"

*** A guy asks a woman sitting next to him in a bar if she'd like to to hear a good blonde joke. The woman says, "well before you tell that joke I just want you to know I am a 6 foot 220 pound blonde wrestler, the gal next to me is a 6 foot 3 blonde tri-athlete, and the woman next to her is a 210 pound blonde body builder...so, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"

"Not if Im going to have it explain it three times," says the guy!

***
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

***
What do Michael Jackson and Sox Shortstop, Edgar Renteria, have in common? They both wear a glove for no apparent reason! HA!!

***
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: allowed to say only two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass...they bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Another seven years pass...the elders again ask for the monk's two words. "I quit!" he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

***
A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck. The bar tender looks at him and says "listen, I'll give you a drink…but don't start anything!"

***
A woman has twin boys, but being very poor, she decides to give them up for adoption. The twin named "Amal" is sent to live with a family in Egypt, the other, named "Juan," is sent to live with a family in Spain. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes that she had a picture of Amal, too. Her husband quickly responds, "but they're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

***
Doctor: "How is that little boy, the one who swallowed the quarters?"
Nurse: "No change yet!"